The Raw Truth

Everyone that I run into has asked how I feel about leaving, well here is the answer. The raw truth of what’s going on inside of me. Many people who have asked me have gotten the answer “I’m excited but also nervous.” That answer just scratches the surface of what I’m truly feeling. This blog is something very emotional for me to write, so please try to hang with me because some of what I say may be a tad scattered. Those of you who are sensitive may possibly need tissues (shoutout to grandma!) So here we go, take a deep breath and keep reading.

I’m struggling. So hard that it hurts. I can’t even explain half of the feelings that are twisting and turning inside of my heart right now. If you know me, you know that my emotions are all on overload. Everything I feel, I feel strongly. It’s the kind of heart God blessed me with and though sometimes it can be hard, it’s amazing. I feel everything with passion, the good and the bad. It’s times like now that I struggle. I don’t even know how to explain this dreadful emotion. I guess it’s not really just one emotion, it’s several mixed together. It crept up on me a few weeks ago, it started out as a little thing. Nothing but nervousness, so tiny that it wasn't even noticeable. Little did I know that it would grow into what it is today, as I sit pouring my heart out through my fingers touching the keys. I’m scared, terrified actually. I’m afraid to be alone, and I know God is with me and always will be! I never doubt that. But, I’m moving away from everything and everyone that I know. There are people here that have my heart that will be so hard to be away from. No one will be just a phone call or text away anymore. I’m so afraid to feel the loneliness that I’ll go through during certain times in my journey. Maybe that’s selfish. No, it is selfish. But I can’t help but feel it, the next few weeks will be so hard for me as I begin to say goodbye to all of the people that I love so dearly. 

My feelings have kind of begun to drown me in a way. Sometimes the water is dark and the waves begin to drag me down. Other times the water is refreshing and lets me back up for a breath of air. That sounds gruesome, but it is the only way I can describe it. These past few weeks have really opened my eyes as to how hard this move will be for me. I’ve been majorly stressed, to the point that my stomach has been nothing but a mess. Eating has been a real struggle and I’ve lost some weight. I’ve had a few breakdowns. I’ve cried so many tears that sometimes I’ve even run out of them. I’ve fought with God. Not just internally, but at 1:30AM in a sanctuary speaking to Him. I’ve been so moody lately. My mind and my heart are constantly contradicting one another. My mind says to keep to myself, but my heart knows that these are the days I should be spending the most time with everyone. Little things set me off, you could ask what my favorite food is and in my mind, I would wrap it around until it turns into the thought of “well it doesn't matter because I won’t be eating it in Haiti.” My heart has been filled with so much negativity and I’ve tried with every ounce of myself to try and ignore the pain. The devil has really been working a number on me recently and I’ve not been myself. 

But amidst the trials, there is still sunshine. Even though my mood has been off, my eating habits have died away, my eyes have been puffy a lot and I’ve been kind of down,  I’ve become stronger. I’ve learned more about myself in the last two weeks than I could have in a normal month for me. Though I have fought with Him, I have felt God’s arms around me and heard Him whisper reassuring words into my life. I have been shown how truly blessed I am with the people I have surrounding me. My family, my friends, and I’ve even learned that strangers can also be a blessing! My mom has been such a comfort to me lately and everything I’ve been going through has actually strengthened my bond with her (which I didn't know was possible!) My sisters have given me hugs and cuddles when they knew I was down. My dad has taken me out to lunch. All of my wonderful friends have been there to listen to me no matter what mood I’ve been in. To help me up when I’ve fallen. And to walk beside me when I’ve stood tall. God has blessed me so much with this new adventure in my life! Through the struggle God has been there, God is there and He always will be! I’m not second-guessing anything, I know this is what I want to do and where God is calling me to be. Yes, I’ve been struggling and I ask for prayers these next couple of days as things will probably only get harder. But, I’ve also been able to rejoice in ways I never knew imaginable. Thanks for hanging with me through this emotional post. Your support, prayers and love mean the world to me. May God bless you today and every day!