Hope In The Healing

Today was hard. Plain and simple. It was a toss and turn of emotions. Like the mountain we traveled on, I went up then back down again. 

     We traveled to Real Hope For Haiti today. This is a hospital for extremely sick kids. People travel from below the mountain and from the mountain itself just to make it to this place because they know their kid will get the best possible treatment. They see about 100-250 people PER DAY! The people literally line up the night before to make sure they’re first in line for the next day. So as you can imagine this hospital holds the sickest of the sick. It’s hard to travel here at times because of some of the conditions you see. The last time I went there was a little girl with a condition that Mia also has (CP- Cerebral Palsy)  and it was something that really effected me. This time I went I was faced with another trial, but was very aware of the hope found within it. 

      There was a little girl there whose name I won’t even try to type out. I’m not sure how long she had been there but I hadn’t seen her when I was there in January. She was paper thin, and that isn’t an expression. Her skin was so thin that on her chest it didn't even feel like she had any. It felt like bones and that was it. The skin on her arms and legs was so tight against her bones and felt of leather. She had a feeding tube in her nose and an IV inserted somewhere as well. Her teeth were all rotted and she looked miserable. Yet amidst all of this she still tried to smile at one of our team members. Did you catch that? She tried to smile! This precious little 5 year old girl, practically on her death bed from dehydration and lack of care, tried to smile for us! That is such a powerful image of self sacrifice. Who knows how much just moving her mouth hurt her or how much discomfort she was feeling. She still smiled! 

     I learned a lot from this girl today. No matter the pain, the trial, the struggle, there is always a reason to smile! So no matter what kind of day you’ve had today, remember to be thankful anyways and to smile. God has you here for a reason dear one and He will use you for great things!

Flashback Of Feelings

Remember when you were little and just starting to make “best friends?” You would spend your time passing notes in class, hanging out on the swings at the playground, telling each other pointless secrets about how Billy stole Suzy’s pencil….etc. This was a wonderful age, where making friends was easy! Now that I’ve got your memory sparked, can you remember the first time you had a sleepover at your friends house? Remember the fear of the unknown? Of not knowing what their house would look like, if their moms mac-n-cheese really was as good as your friend said, how comfortable the bed would be, if it would be dark? So many things. Now remember how much fun you ended up having!! You ran around the house causing chaos everywhere you stepped, laughing uncontrollably and getting told to “quiet down!”  But do you remember bedtime? It was the time everyone dreaded. It meant the end of the fun and the beginning of the panic process. Where we didn’t want to leave because we were having so much fun but didn’t want to stay because we wanted our bed, parents, siblings, comfort…..I am at this stage. I’m on my plane to Haiti and I’m excited, yet wanting to go back home. The fear of the unknown awaits. I’ve been here before, I know what is waiting for me in Haiti. Yet there is that ache to go home. To cuddle with my siblings, laugh with my parents, hang out with my friends and just be surrounded by people who love me. This past month has honestly been horrible for me. The stress has been constantly on my mind, the anxiousness never ceases, my stomach is constantly in a knot and I must force myself to eat, the tears have been shed so much that I have none left to cry. But I know who holds my future, I know God is watching over me and has great plans for me. So just as I did when I was a little girl, I will wait through the night and wake again in the morning to enjoy another playdate with God on this mission field! Thank you all for the love and support! Please keep me in your prayers since this has been a very exciting yet difficult step to take. God Bless!

The Raw Truth

Everyone that I run into has asked how I feel about leaving, well here is the answer. The raw truth of what’s going on inside of me. Many people who have asked me have gotten the answer “I’m excited but also nervous.” That answer just scratches the surface of what I’m truly feeling. This blog is something very emotional for me to write, so please try to hang with me because some of what I say may be a tad scattered. Those of you who are sensitive may possibly need tissues (shoutout to grandma!) So here we go, take a deep breath and keep reading.

I’m struggling. So hard that it hurts. I can’t even explain half of the feelings that are twisting and turning inside of my heart right now. If you know me, you know that my emotions are all on overload. Everything I feel, I feel strongly. It’s the kind of heart God blessed me with and though sometimes it can be hard, it’s amazing. I feel everything with passion, the good and the bad. It’s times like now that I struggle. I don’t even know how to explain this dreadful emotion. I guess it’s not really just one emotion, it’s several mixed together. It crept up on me a few weeks ago, it started out as a little thing. Nothing but nervousness, so tiny that it wasn't even noticeable. Little did I know that it would grow into what it is today, as I sit pouring my heart out through my fingers touching the keys. I’m scared, terrified actually. I’m afraid to be alone, and I know God is with me and always will be! I never doubt that. But, I’m moving away from everything and everyone that I know. There are people here that have my heart that will be so hard to be away from. No one will be just a phone call or text away anymore. I’m so afraid to feel the loneliness that I’ll go through during certain times in my journey. Maybe that’s selfish. No, it is selfish. But I can’t help but feel it, the next few weeks will be so hard for me as I begin to say goodbye to all of the people that I love so dearly. 

My feelings have kind of begun to drown me in a way. Sometimes the water is dark and the waves begin to drag me down. Other times the water is refreshing and lets me back up for a breath of air. That sounds gruesome, but it is the only way I can describe it. These past few weeks have really opened my eyes as to how hard this move will be for me. I’ve been majorly stressed, to the point that my stomach has been nothing but a mess. Eating has been a real struggle and I’ve lost some weight. I’ve had a few breakdowns. I’ve cried so many tears that sometimes I’ve even run out of them. I’ve fought with God. Not just internally, but at 1:30AM in a sanctuary speaking to Him. I’ve been so moody lately. My mind and my heart are constantly contradicting one another. My mind says to keep to myself, but my heart knows that these are the days I should be spending the most time with everyone. Little things set me off, you could ask what my favorite food is and in my mind, I would wrap it around until it turns into the thought of “well it doesn't matter because I won’t be eating it in Haiti.” My heart has been filled with so much negativity and I’ve tried with every ounce of myself to try and ignore the pain. The devil has really been working a number on me recently and I’ve not been myself. 

But amidst the trials, there is still sunshine. Even though my mood has been off, my eating habits have died away, my eyes have been puffy a lot and I’ve been kind of down,  I’ve become stronger. I’ve learned more about myself in the last two weeks than I could have in a normal month for me. Though I have fought with Him, I have felt God’s arms around me and heard Him whisper reassuring words into my life. I have been shown how truly blessed I am with the people I have surrounding me. My family, my friends, and I’ve even learned that strangers can also be a blessing! My mom has been such a comfort to me lately and everything I’ve been going through has actually strengthened my bond with her (which I didn't know was possible!) My sisters have given me hugs and cuddles when they knew I was down. My dad has taken me out to lunch. All of my wonderful friends have been there to listen to me no matter what mood I’ve been in. To help me up when I’ve fallen. And to walk beside me when I’ve stood tall. God has blessed me so much with this new adventure in my life! Through the struggle God has been there, God is there and He always will be! I’m not second-guessing anything, I know this is what I want to do and where God is calling me to be. Yes, I’ve been struggling and I ask for prayers these next couple of days as things will probably only get harder. But, I’ve also been able to rejoice in ways I never knew imaginable. Thanks for hanging with me through this emotional post. Your support, prayers and love mean the world to me. May God bless you today and every day!